This story is from September 29, 2008

The 'mummy ji' files

PALLAVI TYAGI / Sep 29, 2008, 00:00 IST

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Meet the new age mom-in-laws who are breaking the archetypal mould and rewriting the ways saas-bahu sagas were narrated till date...

Love 'em, hate 'em, rant or bitch about them, but one can't help but acknowledge the inevitable presence of a complementary mother figure post-wedding. Mothers-in-law are as much a part of the wedding package as your spouse. And there's no avoiding them, no matter how hard you try!
But are all mom-in-laws a scary entity? The filmi personification of the quintessential mother-In-law (MIL) immortalised by Lalita Pawar and Shashikala is nearly extinct today (except perhaps in films and in prime time 'K' soaps).These days, we have a new breed of moms-in-law who are choosing to break the archetypal mould and transform the saas-bahu sagas.
Changing expectations
"I want my daughter-in-law to handle everything from home to work. I have my friends whose daughter-in-laws manage everything remarkably well, so I don't want my daughter in-law to be less than anyone," says Sulakshna Sharma, who married off her son just few months ago.

Seems like mothers-in-laws just don't want their bahus to be a superb chef or a dedicated house maker, but break the domestic shackles and be a go-getter.
TV actress Sai Deodhar shares, "Most Punjabi families are very rigid about how their daughter-in-laws should be. But my mom-in-law has been independent all her life and she expects me to be that way too."
Not just that, mom-in-laws also seems to be shedding the rigidity guild with their title. As Sai further adds, "You know, if I don't know the exact way of doing a certain

pooja, she just tells me to close my eyes and pray to God because it's actually the prayers that matter."
Changing roles
The figure of the mother-in-law is a commonly maligned one. Try googling mother-in-law and you will not find a single site which has anything good to say about this character. However, the experience of TV actress Mansi Joshi puts mom-in-laws under a totally new light, "The credit of my 'efficient working woman' image goes to my mom-in-law. I just can't do without her. For instance, the only reason I can work without worrying about Rohit and my daughter is because I know she is there."
Manjula Menon, marketing manager of an IT firm, also belongs to the same school of thought, "My job requires traveling and without my mother-in-law's support, my life would have been impossible. You may find it hard to believe, but my mother-in-law shops for me. She buys me everything from food to clothes to jewellery."
But aren't these duties a mother-in-law��s obligation? "No, she does household chores for me as she loves me, not because there's an obligation of any sort; and this is what makes her the coolest" snaps Manjula, putting such speculations to rest.
Bye-bye monster-in-law
Bye-bye monster-in-law
New age moms-in-law believe in bonding with their daughter-in-laws and that isn't restricted to a homely domain. Revati Srivastava and her mom-in-law Ramna Srivastava go to the same fitness centre. Revati can't help but touchwood hundred times while sharing her cool quotient with mommy dearest, "It's so cool to work out with your mom-in-law on the treadmill, and jump into the pool with her by your side."
Mom-in-law Ramna Srivastava who transformed herself from a homemaker mummy ji to a trendy gym buddy adds, "My mother-in-law was very strict. Being married in a very well educated family, I was never assaulted physically, but I remember feeling lonely despite being surrounded by my in-laws. I was rarely appreciated for my dedication towards the family. That was when I decided; I will be my bahu's best friend and will always be by her side."
In our country, mothers-in-law have received such bad publicity that a majority of girls enter their new home visualising a devil and expecting the worst kind of treatment. While there's no denying that dowry deaths and tortures do happen, nurturing pre-conceived notions isn't the smartest thing.
Ritika Wadhwa, a Delhi University lecturer, experienced her mom-in-laws' affectionate side when she was diagnosed with a slipped disc, "She not only took care of my diet during my bed rest, but also arranged for a special Ayurvedic ointment. She used to heat it and rub on my back thrice a day. Maybe my own mom would have not taken care of me in such a gentle and loving manner."
Reel vs Real
More than seven years ago, Ekta Kapoor's Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi and Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki hit television screens and initiated a debate that continues even today. Parvati Aggarwal and Tulsi Virani became the idyllic Indian bahus; while every saas wanted a bahu like them, every bahu wanted to be their clone. However, when it comes to the real world there is more to a saas-bahu alliance than glycerin drops and exceptionally well-planed conspiracies.
Explains Dr Sanjay Chugh, "The kind of relationship dynamics serials showcase these days, is (a majority of times) far from real but the impact they make is very strong. Mothers-in-law are often portrayed as women who're extremely possessive about their sons and are not willing to let go off their control. As a result, even before knowing their mother-in-law, daughters-in-law often picture her as their most deadly 'enemy'. And society makes sure that these misgivings and ideas remain intact and in fact cement them with advice about how one should tackle the eternally evil mother-in-law."
Standing true to Dr. Chugh's opinion, Smirti Chopra, who is getting married this November is already developing cold feet, "My would be mother-in-law is a home maker, a great cook and a successful career woman and may be she expects the same from me. Hence I am trying to learn a few tricks and seeking help from experienced moms and aunts."
Be it reel or real, the saas-bahu kahani has its share of ups and downs. All it takes is dollops of love and understanding from both sides to nurture the tender relationship.
pallavi.tyagi@indiatimes.co.in

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